We are several weeks into quarantine and many of us continue to balance roles as, spouse, chef, homemaker, colleague, professional, parent, and individual, all under the same roof nonetheless the same room. We continue to process losses to various degrees ranging from declining health and loss of loved ones to loss of familiarity, purpose and control. This can leave our mental health in a state of chaos. Our relationships with these facets permit us to have a sense of self-worth, community and identity; strip us of those and what remains is an unfamiliar vulnerability leaving us otherwise exposed to those we share a home with.
Maintaining the health of romantic relationships while navigating such losses and restrictions is no easy task. These are triggering times, and while we may otherwise savor quality time with our significant other, when it is a pandemic that is unplanned, surrounded by messages of fear and uncertainty, it becomes a very different experience. This only makes it that much more important to not only take care of your romantic relationship but care of yourself during this time of turmoil.
In general, maintaining the health of a romantic partnership consists more so of constant negotiations in relation to differing relationship visions rather than the television version of romantic love we may have been reared to aspire to be. Being that the option to remove oneself from the home when feeling overwhelmed from our lover as a means to diffuse the disagreement (whether at the gym or the local café) is currently not an option, couples may benefit from being more intentional in their actions and with their words. Taking more accountability in how your own verbal expressions and behaviors may contribute to a particular outcome or another re-empowers you and your ability to respond to otherwise displeasing scenarios in a more productive, assertive manner.
You are likely working on ‘redesigning’ the organization of your home with your partner. Who gets what space and when in consideration of those additional roles (professional, musician, athlete, etc.) while in the same space as someone who is also attempting to do the same? Work on increasing your tolerance for things not being ideal or in your control. Feeling emotional discomfort is inevitable during a time a crisis as our brains tend to seek out the familiar and being that, despite being several weeks into quarantine, this experience remains far from familiar, it is very normal to feel chaotic and triggered. It is how we respond to those chaotic feelings in a time of crises that will determine how they impact our reality and relationships with others.
We are emotional beings and emotions are contagious. Communicating with your partner in a kind manner will help set the tone to kindness. If you are not feeling your best version of self, give yourself permission to need some space. Advocate for your need for space by a language similar to, “I’m feeling cranky right now, I know discussing this is important to you and I do not want to say something I do not mean so I am going to take some time for me in the other room for a bit.” This is an effective way of getting your needs met and setting boundaries rather than hoping your partner is a mind reader and can gather that from your affect or because they ‘should’ know this about you already.
Creating new boundaries in a relationship in response to ongoing crises may be beneficial but can also change the dynamic itself. There may be a complex transitional period for those involved until the new becomes the norm. You may not be able to be as emotionally present for each other as previously committed, whether that be for moments of celebration or periods of turmoil. Consistency translates to safety and trust, however, not all things, including emotional capacities, are a continuum.Be compassionate towards each other and considerate of the ebbs and flows of one's emotional bandwidth. Make space for your partner’s discomfort and learn to sit with your own feelings of confusion, sadness, and rejection.Try to come together and find unity and comfort in your partner through the chaos.
Work on developing healthy habits of communication that demonstrate gratitude and empathy rather than expressions of criticism, blame, and shaming. Make a conscious effort to share what you appreciate in your partner, and when things are feeling a bit shaky, take a moment to reflect on your role in the dilemma and directly ask questions to your partner as to what may be causing them such turmoil (childhood wounds, projections, differing perspectives of importance). To re-establish relational security, work on developing a framework that expresses what you would need from your partner to feel secure again while also inquiring what they may need from you to feel the same.
Quite often an obstacle that arises in couples’ therapy is the limited time romantic partners have together to ‘do the work’ outside of sessions. This mandated time at home could prove to be a great opportunity to implement the tools and knowledge that a couple has been struggling to carve the time to do. Both partners in modern culture are working far more than historically and the time and energy exerted balancing several roles has consequently negatively impacted intimacy. Oxytocin, the hormone highly correlated with feeling ‘in love’ is mostly produced through sexual intimacy. Consider using this down time to work on re-romanticizing the relationship. Worrying and focusing on the unfortunate circumstances will not help or produce any positive reward. Take that same energy and give yourselves permission to reinvest in your romantic tank. Talk about your fantasies, engage in skill building activities, plan for the future together, have quality dialogue where you are attentively listening and actively sharing. If this seems like more of a burden than an opportunity that is also OK. There is no right way to navigate these difficult times. Take the pressure off yourself and your relationship to be the best version of a romantic partner at this time, rather work on supporting your unique versions of what wellness looks like during these times of uncertainty.
The fact is none of us have the right answer for what is the best way to go through this. Make space for each other and respect differing coping styles. In the face of such uncertainty we need each other more than ever, especially our loving relationships.
